英國台灣大不同之育兒經 – 父母

on Oct 10 in 世界大不同 tagged by
Emily@UK - El pulling faces- 1Y8M

叫他們表兄妹倆扮鬼臉拍張照,瞧她多認真,噗!好醜阿!
好啦,妳贏啦!

 

記得我曾經問過 Steve 他有沒有跟人家打架過?
他說大約十初來歲的時候,有一次和朋友們玩足球,搶球時不小心踢到別人,結果對方好像頭破血流的樣子,對方的媽媽認為他是故意的,還來家裡告狀.
我問:「那你媽媽有沒有一直跟人家道歉?」台灣的父母都是這樣嘛,只要小孩子犯錯,就一副不好意思地低頭猛道歉.
他反倒一臉疑惑地問我:「我媽幹嘛要跟人家道歉?又不是她踢的」.

是的,中西父母的確是有差異的,現在自己在英國當了母親,深刻地體會到這之間的差異可以很大.
東方人的責任分界似乎是以「家庭」為單位,英國人的責任分界則是以「個人」為單位,而且劃分得非常清楚;
不管你跟我有多親蜜的關係,就算你是從我肚皮裡出來的,你的仍是你的,我沒有過度干涉的權利.


拿結婚這種大事來說,東方父母看不喜歡的媳婦,兒子恐怕也難娶進門,如果堅持要娶,一場家庭革命肯定免不了,連三姑七叔都能進來插一腳;但是英國不同,你娶誰是你的決定,好壞也都是你自己的.
Steve 姐姐和姐夫十九歲那年就決定要結婚,公婆雖然覺得太早並不贊成,但也只問了女兒一句:「妳確定嗎?」,然後就爲她辦婚禮了.
別說我娘那個年代不開明所以管太多,假想愛兒如果十八歲回家跟我說她要嫁人,我沒罵慘她才有鬼呢:「大學還沒唸也沒上過班,沒見過世面的村姑,結什麼婚?不准!」

Emily@UK - El eating biscuits- 1Y8M

朋友請她吃巧克力餅,讓她賺到,光舔上面的巧克力都不吃餅的...

 

這樣的中西差異也反映到隔代的教養問題.
疼愛孫子孫女的心情,天下的祖父母都差不多,可是對於晚輩決定如何教養他們自己的小孩,英國的祖父母是不會干涉過多的,反觀台灣的祖父母,呵呵,那是完全不同的故事阿.
我娘就老是爲了我姐怎麼教小孩而大吵,外甥都已經七歲了,七年多過去了,她們之間的爭執點依舊存在.
我娘總是在我姐教訓小孩的時候衝出來護著孫子,孩子冰雪聰明阿,每次媽媽在罵人的時候,小孩就趕緊放聲嚎啕大哭,呼天搶地,因為這樣救兵(外婆)就會衝出來罵媽媽,小孩就可以逃過一劫.

反觀英國的我的公婆,記得愛兒出生前,曾經為了「小孩可不可以吃巧克力」這個議題和公婆討論過,我說不行,Steve 和公婆都覺得可以,但因為我很堅持,所以他們從來沒在我面前拿過巧克力給愛兒吃.
即便現在我偶而會允許愛兒吃一點含有巧克力的甜品,但他們總還是會先問過我,表現了對我這個當母親的最基本的尊重.

愛兒出生後,我和婆婆又因為「應不應該給小孩喝果汁」而有些討論,我說:「不必,開水最好」;婆婆說:「開水很無聊,果汁比較好喝.」
直到有一天她借了我的一本嬰兒食譜去看,書上列舉了白開水對嬰兒的好處,她才被說服,改和我站同一陣線.
即便現在我偶而會允許愛兒喝帶點甜份的飲料,但從愛兒每次都指著市售果汁說是姪子的,我知道當她在公婆家的時候,果汁也都是大姪子在喝的,不是她的.

不管你認不認同,最終孩子是人家的,好壞到頭也總都是父母要擔的,所以父母應該擁有絕對的決定權,決定要怎麼撫養他們的小孩.
我的公婆私底下是不是會偷拿巧克力給愛兒吃?我相信那是有的,畢竟祖父母討孫女兒歡心也不過就那幾招.可是當著我的面總會先徵求我的同意,會看我臉色,那就是基本的尊重.
孩子也不笨,幾次之後她就知道:有她娘在就會是她娘做主,清清楚楚.

Emily@UK - El painting- 1Y8M

去 playgroup 玩,用漆料畫畫.

 

當孩子還小,如果惹出了問題,父母總會要求孩子去跟人家道歉,讓他學習必須為自己犯的錯負責.但倘若孩子硬是不肯道歉,那雙方父母也都必須接受這是孩子的決定.
父母通常會試圖了解孩子不願意道歉的原因是什麼,並解釋為什麼父母認為他應該道歉,但不會硬逼著孩子一定要做什麼.
孩子在這樣的環境下知道,他從小就有權利做自己的決定,但也必須自己負責.無關父母,也沒有人會幫他承擔,所以西方的孩子獨立得很早.

一旦孩子成人,那就完全是獨立的個體,與父母之間有完全的分界.
父母不再承擔告訴孩子應該要跟誰道歉的工作,社會亦不再經由父母跟他們的孩子對話,而是直接面對當事人.這樣的價值觀差別在 BBC 新聞上可以很清楚地看到.
中國的父母面對自己的孩子犯罪,通常會感覺羞愧,迴避媒體,甚至是連三嬸八叔通通都去躲起來.
西方卻不同,社會不將「個人」的問題牽連成「家族」的問題.父母會大方接受訪問,最常聽到的是:「我們也很替受害人的家屬感到難過」,「希望他有因此受到教訓」.
講的好像是別人家的事情一樣,但,是的,孩子成年,他就是自己一家了.
你絕對不會聽見「對不起」這三個字,因為他們壓根兒就不認為這跟他們有啥關係,要人負責就找當事人去,人可不是父母殺的.
我也從沒聽見過任何受害者家屬去找父母討公道,這在西方國家裡根本是不合邏輯的,那叫做「遷怒」,不是「公道」.
我個人當然是贊同這樣的做法,畢竟誰有那麼多閒功夫去承擔其他人的責任,「個人作孽個人擔」才公平嘛.
要是家族裡每一個人幹一點事就要我幫忙分擔,偏偏我家族龐大,人數眾多,那我不就衰到爆?!

早點讓孩子自己學會獨立,自己處理事情,不僅父母輕鬆,對孩子本身來說也是好的.

還沒結婚前,常帶姐姐的孩子去麥當勞玩,有時孩子們玩一玩就是會吵起來,幾乎是可以預期的.
有一次,一個菲傭帶的孩子跟姐姐的孩子吵起來,原來是搶玩具.
那孩子赤著腳跑出了遊戲區向菲傭求助,那菲傭氣沖沖地說,那玩具是他們的,硬是要從姪子手裡搶過去.
我抓住了她話還沒說完就伸過來的手,沒用力,但也不輕,就剛好施了一點力的力道抓著.
我說:「我們也有買.不用生氣,玩具不會不見,我們一起找一下就是了.」然後我轉過身對兩個孩子說:「走,我們一起進去找一下.」
一個大人硬是從小孩手裡搶走東西,小孩肯定是要哭鬧的,這非但沒有解決問題,小孩也無法學習到什麼正面的教育.

後來發現是姪子自己玩著玩著忘記剛剛把玩具玩到哪裡去了,看到哥哥手裡的玩具一樣以為是他的,所以吵起來了.
當時姪子才1歲多,他能記得的事情一隻手數得出來,恐怕連他娘是哪位都還搞不太清楚咧,怎能怪他忘記導致爭執?他這個年紀就是會這樣.
反倒是大人應該冷靜處理,在孩子面前吵起來,甚至跟孩子吵起來,在我看來都是非常難看的事情.
大人冷靜,孩子就會跟著冷靜下來,如果大人一副驚天動地,臉紅脖子粗的樣子,不僅孩子也會跟著慌張哭鬧,他們也會學習這樣劣質的處事態度.

現在自己有了女兒,深深體會到小孩總能在你最不預期的時候搞出你最沒想到的麻煩,保持冷靜總是我首要的態度.
愛兒的活動很多,幾乎天天都會和其他的小朋友們有互動,不管是愛兒受了傷,欺負人或被人欺負,我都會是很冷靜的樣子,心裡再怎麼慌亂或不爽都要先藏起來.
明明看見愛兒的玩具被搶走了,我總是會先按兵不動,要先給愛兒一個機會看看她自己會怎麼處理,即使她眼神望向我,表情上清楚地寫著:「媽咪...」,我也總是笑笑地看著她,假裝不知道發生了什麼事.
不到最後大人不必出面,小孩子才有機會學習自己處理,這是成長的過程,they will learn.
我的底線設在:「只要不會造成傷害」.如果愛兒動手打人或被打,那我當然就會立刻處理,起碼先把小孩拉開,沒有父母能夠坐著看自己的小孩被打的吧?就算今天是愛兒打人也一樣,別人的小孩也是寶貝阿.
慶幸的是愛兒至今還沒有動手打過人,但有把玩具拿到可能會讓其他小孩受傷的地方的時候,我會跟她解釋為什麼不可以,並請她立刻將玩具拿走.除此之外,我都是坐在角落裡和其他的媽媽們喝咖啡聊是非,遙望她和其他的小朋友們自己玩去兒,逍遙自在阿.

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