四歲女孩對性的初認識 – 觸摸彼此的隱私處

on Aug 16 in [育兒經] 愛兒 tagged by

我知道,這個標題非常聳動。對父母們來說,這是件很令人驚慌失措的事 – 至少把我嚇傻了。

事情結束後,我用英文上網查詢,找到了很多外國父母們交換心得與教導方式的討論。但當我用中文搜尋,卻發現多是家庭暴力和性侵害的字眼,於是我想利用這個機會分享一下,國內外處理這類事件的態度差異。


精神分析學的創始人-佛洛伊德 提出的兒童人格發展第三期稱為「性蕾期」(Phallic stage)三至六歲,癥狀為:
1.以性器官為獲取快感的中心,小孩有意無意會去觸摸、摩擦,以獲得快感。
2.兒童在行為上已有男女性別之分。
3.男童在行為上會模仿父親,但卻以母 愛戀對象,以致產生戀母情結(Oedipus Complex);女童則產生戀父情結(Electra Complex)。
4.兒童的戀親情結,經由超我的發展獲得調適,轉而模仿同性之行為,並經由認同作用形成個人人格特

儘管我知道這樣的行為是正常的,不應該大驚小怪地處理,但當真得和孩子面對面的討論這件事時,還是花了我一個晚上的心理調適才辦到。

事情是這樣的:
那天回到家吃完飯後,愛兒戲謔地告訴我們,當天她和她的兩個好友們一如往常地在樓上房裡玩耍時,用濕紙巾擦拭了彼此的隱私處。
她還舉高了雙腳,表演給我們看她們是怎麼弄的 – 我的媽呀! 自己摸自己是一回事,去摸別人/讓別人摸那又是另一回事。
我顧做鎮定地問她:「是穿著內褲時摸的嗎?」她回答:「沒有」…. 沒想到她們還脫掉了內褲,更糟!
問了一些概況之後,我打電話給另一個女孩的媽媽告訴她愛兒說了這件事,請她也詢問她的女兒 A,我們再一起商量對策。
7 點送孩子們上床之後,那位媽媽告訴我女孩 A 的故事版本,A 說愛兒和另一位女孩 S 還用一支筆互畫對方的隱私處!且 A 沒有參與也沒有脫掉內褲。

天吶!我的腦子裡出現很多問題,是哪一種筆?他們怎麼畫?畫哪裡?受傷了嗎?
但孩子已經去睡了,我不想把愛兒拖出來拷問,那只會讓她感受到我的慌亂,於是我們等到隔天早上。

愛兒睡醒後,我們將她抱近我們的房裡談這件事。
我很冷靜且溫和地告訴她,我們並沒有生氣,只要她講實話,她也不會惹上任何麻煩,然後我請她告訴我到底發生什麼事。
愛兒的版本與女孩 A 的版本稍有出入,不同處為:女孩 A 有加入互摸的遊戲,但她們都沒有拿筆來畫。
我找了個藉口,把愛兒抓去洗澡,趁洗澡時檢查,並沒有發現任何畫過或受傷的痕跡,是一大幸。
我將愛兒的版本告訴女孩 A 的媽媽,稍後她回覆我:女孩 A 承認了她也有參加互摸,筆的部分則是她瞎掰的。好加在…

在這之前,我已經告訴過愛兒不可以去摸別人的隱私處,也不可以讓別人摸,因為不衛生且容易生病。
因此我對她說我沒有生氣,但我非常失望,因為她選擇不聽我的話而參加這樣的遊戲。這一次念於初犯,她不會被處罰,但下一次則會。
她向我保證她不會在遊戲時脫內褲了,我衷心期盼如此。

三個女孩都是從她們出生起的玩伴,所以我和這兩位媽媽們也都非常熟悉,有話可以直說的。
我們都同意,短期內不再讓她們私下玩耍,直到她們都贏得大人們的信任為止。
原本女孩 S 想請愛兒和女孩 A 去她家過夜的計畫也就此取消。

換個角度想,也不是完全沒有正面的發現,起碼知道愛兒不會為了規避責任而說謊,也不會瞎扯。
這樣的行為沒有不正常,更不見得跟家庭暴力或性侵害有關,但是要教。把經驗提出來,給大家參考。

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